The Motherload

Continue to follow this blog at http://www.scopeandhorror.com

Scope & Horror and Your Bitcoin BMI merging

Hello! As you can probably see, this page is kind of a mess right now as I attempt to mash these blogs together (decided to throw my cartoons in there too for good measure). The scope & horror will now also encompass self-help!

Thanks for your patience whilst I reorganize

For Now,

tell em large marge sent ya

Wealth Management

Stop wasting money at the horse races, casinos, and the lottery. The financial step you have been missing!

A Friend in Need (1903) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

Love the rush of gambling but don’t want to leave the comfort of home? No, not online gambling. There’s a better way to get that hit of adrenaline!

A caution to all though, this is not a beginners’ level tip here. But when you have financial organization and foresight like I do, it’s really quite simple:

*Set all your bills up on autopay

*Never learn/forget the withdrawal dates

*and roll the dice!

Every day is a day at Cesar’s Palace with this hot tip! Will you make it ’til payday or will you wake up to a negative balance? Only time will tell! Stay lucky!

Can I Listen to Journey?

Dear Bitcoin BMI,

I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,

Peter H

Dear Peter H,      


Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? 

There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. 
But I will take the bait. 
No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be.

It’s never too late for now,                                           

Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles.    

P.S.S.  And no Rush either.

P.S.S.S.


What a gem.

Feeding Your Parasites

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.
Rule 1: Hydrate
Slimming Hydration Recipe

Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly
Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store.
Results? oh, yes! 

Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days.

After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar!

By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!

You’ll thank me later.

Bottoms up!

PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?

You and Your Guts

or 61 Days Until Coachella!

I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!

But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!

If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?

If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:

Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites

References

Because science.

-Bridgette, Instatritionist*

*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.

Bitcoin BMI Appraisal Form

For Office Use Only:

Score__________Overall
3 pointsFlawless    
2 PointsMinor scratches  
1 PointModerate chips, dents, or surface rust                     
0 PointsDamaged, major dents, paint flaws, missing parts, or major rust
Score__________Medical
3 pointsCurrent, complete, appears much younger than stated age            
2 PointsCurrent, incomplete, appears consistent with stated age
1 PointOverdue, no records, unvaccinated, appears much older than stated age, or annual medical deductible not met
0 PointsTrue mileage unknown or defective odometer
Score__________Interview and  summary of  personal/professional documents and titles
3 pointsConsistent, all or mostly truthful   
2 PointsSomewhat truthful, vague or evasive when pressed for details
1 PointClearly lying  and/or inebriated
0 PointsUncooperative, incoherent, or comatose
Score__________Body Work  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsMinor cosmetic paint  
1 PointSome dent removal or touch ups              
0 PointsSignificant amount of paint and/or body work
Score__________ Integumentary
3 pointsClean/like new 
2 PointsMinimal wear  
1 PointStained/faded/worn                        
0 PointsTorn/burned/cracked/missing
Score__________ Odor  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsFaint
1 PointObvious
0 PointsSuspect decomposition present
Score__________Interior 
3 pointsFully functional  
2 PointsFunctional with minor fault(s)
1 PointRepairs needed
0 PointsSalvage/parts only
Subtotal__________
________ Subtotal from Section 1
_______  Marital Status  (2 Clean title,   1 Rental, commercial, 0 Salvage, rebuilt
salvage, flood, etc.)
_______ +1 Rechargeable batteries
_______ +1 Toilet trained
________ Credit Score
_________ Checking account balance
_______ -1 Dietary restrictions
_______ Subtract number of ICD 10 diagnosis codes
_______________ TOTAL * 1 US dollar Subtotal 2
______________ Subtotal 2 * US Dollar Index
_______________ cryptocurrency exchange
                                                                            = BITCOIN BMI

Subject Cleared:

Subject Rejected:

Incomplete/More information Required:


Please check evaluation subject against safety recall lists

Recall List

International Organization for Standardization

Am I an Apple or Mayor McCheese?

Finding the Right Pants for Your Body Shape

Match Your Body Shape to One of These Insulting Diagrams!

Calculate waist to hip ratio to find the right pants to flatter your body shape without landing you on the fashion don’ts page!

I know, with the fruit-to-waist conversion charts, swiftly changing trends, and vanity sizing, finding clothes that fit your body type is confusing and hard!

Technology has advanced to give us smart wearables to custom fit your clothes, but they can be pricey, and there is just not an established return on that investment yet.

So for now, I want you to get back to the basics!

Focus on stocking up on simple, classic silhouettes that never go out of style, and work on pretty much every body type. Don’t go too big though! Everyone knows oversized makes you look like you’ve given up, and you don’t want to end up on the fashion don’ts page!

Okay, get internet click and shipping, because we still have a lot of work to do! I wish I could be there to personally help all of you find the perfect fit, but here’s a wiki tutorial on calculating waist-hip ratio in case you get lost in the virtual fitting rooms.

No.

Working Out in Jean Shorts

Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing windpants. No tradesies.

No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.

Shaping Your Future

Over the next few weeks, I want to find out a little bit about you and your savings goals, but I know how motivating a little momentum can be, so I am going to give you some quick tips on what you can do right now to increase your resale value.

With an open mind, a refrigerator lock, and minimal upfront cost, you can be on your way to exponentially increase both your curb appeal and your bottom line!

Ready to get started? Great!

img_1576

First and foremost, you are going to need to cultivate a new look.

As everyone knows, the foundation is the most important, and that’s where shapewear comes in!  Go squeeze into yours and meet back here in 20! Because up next, we are gonna crunch the numbers!