The Motherload

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Scope & Horror and Your Bitcoin BMI merging

Hello! As you can probably see, this page is kind of a mess right now as I attempt to mash these blogs together (decided to throw my cartoons in there too for good measure). The scope & horror will now also encompass self-help!

Thanks for your patience whilst I reorganize

For Now,

tell em large marge sent ya

Wealth Management

Stop wasting money at the horse races, casinos, and the lottery. The financial step you have been missing!

A Friend in Need (1903) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

Love the rush of gambling but don’t want to leave the comfort of home? No, not online gambling. There’s a better way to get that hit of adrenaline!

A caution to all though, this is not a beginners’ level tip here. But when you have financial organization and foresight like I do, it’s really quite simple:

*Set all your bills up on autopay

*Never learn/forget the withdrawal dates

*and roll the dice!

Every day is a day at Cesar’s Palace with this hot tip! Will you make it ’til payday or will you wake up to a negative balance? Only time will tell! Stay lucky!

Estate Planning Planning

I promise Choosing the Hill You Will Die On is almost done and will be posted soon. I have to say it is something of a magnum opus, and I have been cracking myself up with my own jokes all weekend.

Until Then and Most Respectfully,

Bit Bot

Can I Listen to Journey?

Dear Bitcoin BMI,

I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,

Peter H

Dear Peter H,      


Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? 

There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. 
But I will take the bait. 
No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be.

It’s never too late for now,                                           

Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles.    

P.S.S.  And no Rush either.

P.S.S.S.


What a gem.

You and Your Guts

or 61 Days Until Coachella!

I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!

But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!

If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?

If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:

Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites

References

Because science.

-Bridgette, Instatritionist*

*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.

Make a Vision Board

I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you! For those of you in the know, fiscal years turn over July 1st and it just gets crazy busy for us financial wizards!

Anyway, a project for you during your long holiday weekend: make a vision board and hang it in a prominent place in your home where you will see it frequently to keep you motivated when I can’t be there, reminding you to keep working towards your hopes and dreams.

For the non-creative types, I made one for you this morning. You are free to print, share, and copy as you wish.

Multi-Level Marketing and You

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.

Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.

You could start with the usuals

#Yoga

#Biking

#Hiking

#Learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling (but more than just watching HGTV)

#Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested!

Or you could use this personal development time to dip your toes into the easy money income streams known as Multi-Level Marketing!

Seriously, people love hearing about your new side hustle, they love being invited to these sorts of events, and they love being recruited to get down in the sales trenches with you!

They love being tricked into going to sales pitches at your house when they think they are showing up for movie night, and they reallllllllly love meeting in conference rooms early Saturday mornings to support your new business venture at midrange hotels near the airport.

Also, as a guest at a Tupperware party in 2004, I nearly got the lights punched out of me. But that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say it’s not always as formulaic as those profit charts might have you think!

Just make sure you don’t squander this opportunity for finding a niche to give you some je nais se que! The sky is the limit! Learn how to carve soap, eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally.

I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!

Wikihow, Youtube, amateur message board experts, and I will all be with you every step of the way! Seriously, we are rooting for you!

Working Out in Jean Shorts

Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing windpants. No tradesies.

No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.