Wealth Management

Stop wasting money at the horse races, casinos, and the lottery. The financial step you have been missing!

A Friend in Need (1903) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

Love the rush of gambling but don’t want to leave the comfort of home? No, not online gambling. There’s a better way to get that hit of adrenaline!

A caution to all though, this is not a beginners’ level tip here. But when you have financial organization and foresight like I do, it’s really quite simple:

*Set all your bills up on autopay

*Never learn/forget the withdrawal dates

*and roll the dice!

Every day is a day at Cesar’s Palace with this hot tip! Will you make it ’til payday or will you wake up to a negative balance? Only time will tell! Stay lucky!

Estate Planning Planning

I promise Choosing the Hill You Will Die On is almost done and will be posted soon. I have to say it is something of a magnum opus, and I have been cracking myself up with my own jokes all weekend.

Until Then and Most Respectfully,

Bit Bot

Feeding Your Parasites

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.
Rule 1: Hydrate
Slimming Hydration Recipe

Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly
Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store.
Results? oh, yes! 

Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days.

After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar!

By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!

You’ll thank me later.

Bottoms up!

PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?

You and Your Guts

or 61 Days Until Coachella!

I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!

But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!

If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?

If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:

Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites

References

Because science.

-Bridgette, Instatritionist*

*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.

Make a Vision Board

I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you! For those of you in the know, fiscal years turn over July 1st and it just gets crazy busy for us financial wizards!

Anyway, a project for you during your long holiday weekend: make a vision board and hang it in a prominent place in your home where you will see it frequently to keep you motivated when I can’t be there, reminding you to keep working towards your hopes and dreams.

For the non-creative types, I made one for you this morning. You are free to print, share, and copy as you wish.

Multi-Level Marketing and You

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.

Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.

You could start with the usuals

#Yoga

#Biking

#Hiking

#Learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling (but more than just watching HGTV)

#Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested!

Or you could use this personal development time to dip your toes into the easy money income streams known as Multi-Level Marketing!

Seriously, people love hearing about your new side hustle, they love being invited to these sorts of events, and they love being recruited to get down in the sales trenches with you!

They love being tricked into going to sales pitches at your house when they think they are showing up for movie night, and they reallllllllly love meeting in conference rooms early Saturday mornings to support your new business venture at midrange hotels near the airport.

Also, as a guest at a Tupperware party in 2004, I nearly got the lights punched out of me. But that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say it’s not always as formulaic as those profit charts might have you think!

Just make sure you don’t squander this opportunity for finding a niche to give you some je nais se que! The sky is the limit! Learn how to carve soap, eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally.

I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!

Wikihow, Youtube, amateur message board experts, and I will all be with you every step of the way! Seriously, we are rooting for you!

Am I an Apple or Mayor McCheese?

Finding the Right Pants for Your Body Shape

Match Your Body Shape to One of These Insulting Diagrams!

Calculate waist to hip ratio to find the right pants to flatter your body shape without landing you on the fashion don’ts page!

I know, with the fruit-to-waist conversion charts, swiftly changing trends, and vanity sizing, finding clothes that fit your body type is confusing and hard!

Technology has advanced to give us smart wearables to custom fit your clothes, but they can be pricey, and there is just not an established return on that investment yet.

So for now, I want you to get back to the basics!

Focus on stocking up on simple, classic silhouettes that never go out of style, and work on pretty much every body type. Don’t go too big though! Everyone knows oversized makes you look like you’ve given up, and you don’t want to end up on the fashion don’ts page!

Okay, get internet click and shipping, because we still have a lot of work to do! I wish I could be there to personally help all of you find the perfect fit, but here’s a wiki tutorial on calculating waist-hip ratio in case you get lost in the virtual fitting rooms.

No.