You and Your Guts

or 61 Days Until Coachella!

I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!

But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!

If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?

If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:

Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites

References

Because science.

-Bridgette, Instatritionist*

*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.

Bitcoin BMI Appraisal Form

For Office Use Only:

Score__________Overall
3 pointsFlawless    
2 PointsMinor scratches  
1 PointModerate chips, dents, or surface rust                     
0 PointsDamaged, major dents, paint flaws, missing parts, or major rust
Score__________Medical
3 pointsCurrent, complete, appears much younger than stated age            
2 PointsCurrent, incomplete, appears consistent with stated age
1 PointOverdue, no records, unvaccinated, appears much older than stated age, or annual medical deductible not met
0 PointsTrue mileage unknown or defective odometer
Score__________Interview and  summary of  personal/professional documents and titles
3 pointsConsistent, all or mostly truthful   
2 PointsSomewhat truthful, vague or evasive when pressed for details
1 PointClearly lying  and/or inebriated
0 PointsUncooperative, incoherent, or comatose
Score__________Body Work  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsMinor cosmetic paint  
1 PointSome dent removal or touch ups              
0 PointsSignificant amount of paint and/or body work
Score__________ Integumentary
3 pointsClean/like new 
2 PointsMinimal wear  
1 PointStained/faded/worn                        
0 PointsTorn/burned/cracked/missing
Score__________ Odor  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsFaint
1 PointObvious
0 PointsSuspect decomposition present
Score__________Interior 
3 pointsFully functional  
2 PointsFunctional with minor fault(s)
1 PointRepairs needed
0 PointsSalvage/parts only
Subtotal__________
________ Subtotal from Section 1
_______  Marital Status  (2 Clean title,   1 Rental, commercial, 0 Salvage, rebuilt
salvage, flood, etc.)
_______ +1 Rechargeable batteries
_______ +1 Toilet trained
________ Credit Score
_________ Checking account balance
_______ -1 Dietary restrictions
_______ Subtract number of ICD 10 diagnosis codes
_______________ TOTAL * 1 US dollar Subtotal 2
______________ Subtotal 2 * US Dollar Index
_______________ cryptocurrency exchange
                                                                            = BITCOIN BMI

Subject Cleared:

Subject Rejected:

Incomplete/More information Required:


Please check evaluation subject against safety recall lists

Recall List

International Organization for Standardization

Working Out in Jean Shorts

Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing windpants. No tradesies.

No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.