Can I Listen to Journey?

Dear Bitcoin BMI,

I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,

Peter H

Dear Peter H,      


Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? 

There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. 
But I will take the bait. 
No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be.

It’s never too late for now,                                           

Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles.    

P.S.S.  And no Rush either.

P.S.S.S.


What a gem.

You and Your Guts

or 61 Days Until Coachella!

I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!

But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!

If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?

If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon.

Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:

Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites

References

Because science.

-Bridgette, Instatritionist*

*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.

Multi-Level Marketing and You

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.

Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.

You could start with the usuals

#Yoga

#Biking

#Hiking

#Learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling (but more than just watching HGTV)

#Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested!

Or you could use this personal development time to dip your toes into the easy money income streams known as Multi-Level Marketing!

Seriously, people love hearing about your new side hustle, they love being invited to these sorts of events, and they love being recruited to get down in the sales trenches with you!

They love being tricked into going to sales pitches at your house when they think they are showing up for movie night, and they reallllllllly love meeting in conference rooms early Saturday mornings to support your new business venture at midrange hotels near the airport.

Also, as a guest at a Tupperware party in 2004, I nearly got the lights punched out of me. But that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say it’s not always as formulaic as those profit charts might have you think!

Just make sure you don’t squander this opportunity for finding a niche to give you some je nais se que! The sky is the limit! Learn how to carve soap, eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally.

I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!

Wikihow, Youtube, amateur message board experts, and I will all be with you every step of the way! Seriously, we are rooting for you!

Bitcoin BMI Appraisal Form

For Office Use Only:

Score__________Overall
3 pointsFlawless    
2 PointsMinor scratches  
1 PointModerate chips, dents, or surface rust                     
0 PointsDamaged, major dents, paint flaws, missing parts, or major rust
Score__________Medical
3 pointsCurrent, complete, appears much younger than stated age            
2 PointsCurrent, incomplete, appears consistent with stated age
1 PointOverdue, no records, unvaccinated, appears much older than stated age, or annual medical deductible not met
0 PointsTrue mileage unknown or defective odometer
Score__________Interview and  summary of  personal/professional documents and titles
3 pointsConsistent, all or mostly truthful   
2 PointsSomewhat truthful, vague or evasive when pressed for details
1 PointClearly lying  and/or inebriated
0 PointsUncooperative, incoherent, or comatose
Score__________Body Work  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsMinor cosmetic paint  
1 PointSome dent removal or touch ups              
0 PointsSignificant amount of paint and/or body work
Score__________ Integumentary
3 pointsClean/like new 
2 PointsMinimal wear  
1 PointStained/faded/worn                        
0 PointsTorn/burned/cracked/missing
Score__________ Odor  
3 pointsNone  
2 PointsFaint
1 PointObvious
0 PointsSuspect decomposition present
Score__________Interior 
3 pointsFully functional  
2 PointsFunctional with minor fault(s)
1 PointRepairs needed
0 PointsSalvage/parts only
Subtotal__________
________ Subtotal from Section 1
_______  Marital Status  (2 Clean title,   1 Rental, commercial, 0 Salvage, rebuilt
salvage, flood, etc.)
_______ +1 Rechargeable batteries
_______ +1 Toilet trained
________ Credit Score
_________ Checking account balance
_______ -1 Dietary restrictions
_______ Subtract number of ICD 10 diagnosis codes
_______________ TOTAL * 1 US dollar Subtotal 2
______________ Subtotal 2 * US Dollar Index
_______________ cryptocurrency exchange
                                                                            = BITCOIN BMI

Subject Cleared:

Subject Rejected:

Incomplete/More information Required:


Please check evaluation subject against safety recall lists

Recall List

International Organization for Standardization

Am I an Apple or Mayor McCheese?

Finding the Right Pants for Your Body Shape

Match Your Body Shape to One of These Insulting Diagrams!

Calculate waist to hip ratio to find the right pants to flatter your body shape without landing you on the fashion don’ts page!

I know, with the fruit-to-waist conversion charts, swiftly changing trends, and vanity sizing, finding clothes that fit your body type is confusing and hard!

Technology has advanced to give us smart wearables to custom fit your clothes, but they can be pricey, and there is just not an established return on that investment yet.

So for now, I want you to get back to the basics!

Focus on stocking up on simple, classic silhouettes that never go out of style, and work on pretty much every body type. Don’t go too big though! Everyone knows oversized makes you look like you’ve given up, and you don’t want to end up on the fashion don’ts page!

Okay, get internet click and shipping, because we still have a lot of work to do! I wish I could be there to personally help all of you find the perfect fit, but here’s a wiki tutorial on calculating waist-hip ratio in case you get lost in the virtual fitting rooms.

No.

Working Out in Jean Shorts

Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing windpants. No tradesies.

No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.